Cards on the Table

***Before I start this post I want to make a few things clear, I'm not sharing this for sympathy or attention.  I'm sharing this because it was others sharing their experiences that gave me the push I needed to get help and I hope that by sharing my story I can help someone else.  And most importantly I feel that by keeping quiet about my struggles I would be feeding into the problem our society faces with this issue.***

I am fighting Postpartum Depression.

Wow, it's amazing how hard that is to admit.  I mean if I had a broken arm, the flu, cancer, or Ebola it would be easier to put out there for the world.  Which is sad, and is the reason that I feel like I need to share this part of my personal life.  Because it needs to be something that we remove the stigma from.  So here I am, admitting it.

I never felt a desire to hurt my children, I know that is commonly associated with PPD but for me that was not the case.  For me I became 100% convinced that my family would be better off if I wasn't there.  That I was such a complete and utter failure as a wife and mother that there was no way for be to improve.  I was sure that if I was out of the picture David could find a woman who would be a better wife to him and mother to my kids than I was, and even if he didn't, the damage from not having a mom at all would be less than if I was to stick around.  It got so bad that one night I found myself standing in the bathroom with the entire medicine cabinet out on the sink.  Thankfully David walked in and that was enough to bring me back from the edge, but it was incredibly close.

I tried to be tough.  I tried to shake it off, put my shoulders back and muscle through it.  I prayed and read my scriptures.  I put on a happy face whenever people were around and I never admitted out side of my home just how overwhelmed I was.  I did everything I could to get better and I just kept getting worse.  I didn't want to get help because I was convinced if I could just "adjust my attitude" that everything would be all right.

After the bathroom incident David wanted me to go to the Dr but I still wasn't ready.  Then a friend of mine posted about her struggle on Facebook and it was like I was reading my own story, I reached out to her and got advice.  Finally, at a late night party I opened up to some friends about what was going on.  The next thing I knew I had babysitters and rides to the Dr, accompanied by a "If you don't call your Dr I will."

That was almost 3 weeks ago and I'm getting better.  In fact it only took a few days of medicine to begin going back to my old self.  I'm taking medicine and talking to a counselor.  I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself and get better.  Just like a person with allergies I'm trying to figure out my triggers and make it so I can avoid getting sick again in the future and get better faster.

Because, I'm sick.

Instead of a virus attacking my body or my cells mutating, my brain is misfiring.  And that doesn't make me week, unstable, or less of a person.  Mental illness, is just that.  An illness.  It's not something you just get over or shake off.  It can take you deeper into yourself than you ever wanted to go and make you do things you never thought you would.

I have been so blessed as I have been dealing with this.  Blessed that it didn't get worse, that my husband loved me through it and never blamed me or told me to just "suck it up", that I have insurance that makes it possible for me to go to the doctor and get the treatment I need without stressing the money issue, that I have such good friends, and that I have a doctor who took what was happening to me seriously.

There are a lot of people who are not that lucky.  There are a lot of people who are too afraid to admit they need help.  There are people who when they do admit it are told to pray it away or to keep a stiff upper lip.  There are people who don't have access to the health care they need or are pushed aside by doctors who don't really know how to help them.

Mental illness is an illness.  Let's start talking about it, admitting it, and treating it.

Welcome Miss Rachel

Well we are officially a family of 4!  Rachel Elizabeth-Marie Pelon joined our family on May 19th at 7:50 am.  She is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen, I can't get over it (and yes I know I'm biased).

(c)kellyroyPHOTOGRAPHY

(c)kellyroyPHOTOGRAPHY

I know a lot of people really enjoy birth stories so here is Rachel's.

We knew going into this pregnancy that we would be doing a second C-section.  After everything that went on with DJ we went over the risks of a VBAC or a second surgery and decided that a repeat C-section was the best choice for us.  And when I developed gestational diabetes during the third trimester we knew we had made the right decision.  Since we knew that Rachel would be born on the 19th (exactly 39 weeks of gestation) my mom was able to schedule her flight out to us on the 16th knowing that she would be here to help with DJ.  My last appointment was Wednesday and everything looked good.  As I was walking out my Dr jokingly said "Now doing go putting yourself into labor this weekend, I want this to be a straight forward surgery to start my week with."  "Don't worry," I said, "my son was 2 days late there is no way I'm going into labor a week early."  I had no idea that would be a hard promise to keep.

Before my mom got into town some friends were cleaning out their storage unit and David went to help them.  They had a huge stack of the floor mats we use to try and soften DJs footsteps for our neighbors, and were kind enough to pass them along to us.  Since the had been in the storage unit for a while they were on the dusty side.  I laid them out on the floor in the living room (which now looks like a kids bouncy gym) and started scrubbing them.  So Wednesday night I stayed up super late on hands and knees scrubbing, I thought I was doing fine till I tried to stand up... HA!  Nine months pregnant is not the time to spend 4 hours on the floor scrubbing rubber mats.  My hips stopped functioning right and I started having contractions.  After sleeping most of the day (besides work) the contractions stopped just as I was about to make David take me to the hospital.

See what I mean about the kiddie gym?  The things I do to keep the peace.

 Late Thursday night we drove down to Boston to pick mom up from the airport and got home around 4 am Friday.  At 7:30 am Friday I was at the hospital doing pre-surgery blood work and paperwork.  Everyone was so tired that I was gone and back before any one else woke up, so I went back to bed.  We spent the day hanging out with mom and letting DJ get reacquainted with her, it only took him about 5 minutes to decide she was the coolest person in the world!!  I started having more contractions but nothing major.

Saturday Mom and I went to Walmart for groceries for the next week and we ended up in the ribbon aisle, apparently my hair bow problem has infected my mother.  We got some super cute ribbon and buttons but had to go to Micheal's to see if they had fish buttons for the "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" ribbon.  They didn't really have anything perfect but we found some fun stuff.  While we were at Walmart my contractions started getting worse and more consistent and my feet blew up like a balloon for the first time in my pregnancy.  Thank goodness for my Mom, I was able to go home and lay down for a few hours stopping the contractions.  I was breathing a sigh of relief until I lost my mucus plug, which happened about 24 hours before labor started with DJ, it was time to cross my legs.

Sunday we went to church and the contractions kept going about twice an hour.  To be on the safe side I started my liquid only diet at noon, that way we wouldn't have to worry about going into surgery early if we had to.

Luckily Rachel was willing to wait till Monday morning.  When we checked into the hospital Monday morning they did a quick check and I was dilated to a 4, so one way or another little girl was on her way.  The nurses were getting me all ready and had David suited up when they started trying to get my IV in.

Now I have never done well with blood draws.  When I donate blood it takes almost an hour to fill a bag and it takes them forever to stick me and it hurts the whole time.  Plus when they pull out the needle I throw up... EVERY TIME!  When I do my three hour glucose test (which is suppose to take 4 pokes) it usually takes 10 or 12.  I have made 30 year veterans swear and new interns cry.  The most recent noteworthy quote from a 20 phlebotomist is "You have baby veins from hell".  So you can imagine how the IV experience went.  Two nurses each tried three time before giving up and sending me down to the OR prep area and calling ahead to have the anesthesiologist who would be doing my spinal tap that it was up to him.  When I rolled into my stall to wait for surgery I could see the nurses looking at me, eyeing me, and I knew "they are bored and I'm a challenge, oh dear."  My nurse hurried over so she could get first dibs at trying to get my IV in before the anesthesiologist or any other nurses tried.  Gratefully she was kind enough to use Novocaine on me before going for my vein as both my hands were already blooming with bruises.  Just as she got the IV in and did a little jig of triumph the anesthesiologist arrived.  He was a little disappointed that she had got me even saying "Dang it, I wanted to see if she was as hard as everyone was saying."  I told him he would have to be satisfied proving his skill on my spine, and he said no problem.  We got all set up and they sent David off to scrub in while they rolled me into the OR and put my epidural in.  With DJ they also gave me morphine so I was super loopy and don't remember many details of the surgery itself but this time they just did the tap so I was actually aware of what was going on.  It was really nice actually.  They had a nurse, Pam, assigned just to talk me through and make sure I was doing okay.  She was wonderful!  They had almost forgotten to go get David and had started my incision when she told them all to "Hold your horses everyone!  We are missing Daddy!"  She then sent the resident out to get him.  I was very grateful to her.  She also had David show her how to use the camera so that he could focus on me and the baby and not worry about getting good pictures, I thought that was very kind of her.  David was a little disappointed because unlike in Utah they had the surgical curtain so high he couldn't watch the surgery, he thought it was really cool last time and had been looking forward to watching it again.

Waiting for a baby

He got over it though.  I didn't feel anything with DJ when they pulled him out of me but this time I felt the pressure as both Doctors pushed on my ribs and pulled Rachel out.  And she entered the world telling us all just how unhappy she was about being man handled like that.  

Rachel's first picture seconds after birth being held by Dr. Manning

I had been so worried that Rachel would inhale fluid and get sick like DJ that her screaming so quickly, on her own, and for the first 15 minutes of her life non-stop made me so happy I wanted to cry!

Being looked over. 

Can you see from her face how not happy she was?

Instead I got all hot and queasy and they had to give me meds to calm it down.  Once Rachel was given the all clear and cleaned up a little David brought her over to me.

Meeting my girl

Because she was doing so well we got to spend my entire recovery with her and when it was time to go back to the room David was able to carry her up with us.  It was such a different experience than with DJ who had to spend his first 3 hours getting worked on in the nursery while David bounced back and forth between the two of us.  Being able to spend those precious first hours with Rachel and David instead of nurses or by myself was so special!  I loved the staff at our hospital and the recovery suit in the maternity ward was beautiful!  

With Daddy

Beautiful baby

Daddy's girl

See what I mean... he is already wrapped around her finger.

Watching Mommy while she sleeps

First Hair bow

Going home outfit

My doctor has been nervous about the state of my uterus and scar tissue from my previous surgery.  There was some pretty strong evidence that I had some really bad scaring and I had been warned that it was possible I would be told not risk having more children after this surgery, I was even warned that there was a chance that there would not be enough uterus left and they would have to tie my tubes to be safe.  I felt so a peace and wasn't worried, whatever happened I would be blessed enough to carry two children to term and have a boy and a girl.  I could be okay with that.  I was surprised and grateful when my Dr came in after the surgery and told me that he had been able to clear everything out and that (as long as I wait a few years to give my body time to recover and talk to a Dr before hand) more children are a possibility for us.  Who knows what the future will bring and it will be a few years before we do this again but I am grateful for the possibility and a Dr who was so willing to take the extra time and to make that a possibility instead of just tying my tubes.  Yay Dr. Manning!

Over all the whole experience was wonderful!  Rachel did wonderfully and I have bounced back super fast (yet again... I guess I'm lucky that way).  

DJ has done really well with having a new sister. He took a few days to warm up.  

Who the heck is that person my mommy is holding?

The funniest moment was the first time David held her in front of him.  DJ saw David holding Rachel, stuck his head in the air, put his had over his eyes and walked past David to hid behind the curtain. 

Hiding from the sight of Daddy holding Rachel

After a while though he started circling and finally checked her out.

Touching the baby for the first time, he is very good about being gentle

She is pretty daddy. 

Keeping watch over the sleeping baby, making sure she keeps her hat and blanket on

First family photo

My mom has been so helpful through the transition and I'm terrified of her leaving!

Grandma with her Pelon grandkids

Meeting Grandma

We have her for another month and my Dad gets in this week, but I go back to work on Monday.  I wish I could take longer but having another child who needs diapers means money is that much more important.  Ah well *first world problems*.  At least I get to work from home and have a job to go back to.  David is kicking rear at his pharmacy rotation and is halfway done.  We are hoping he can find a tech job once he is done and has had some experience in a actual pharmacy.  We have been so blessed this past year and especially the past few months, God is good and has showered down tender mercies upon us.  

Dear Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Hey baby girl, I hope you know how much your mommy and daddy love you.  Your big brother loves you too, he may be kinda rough with us sometimes but that's cause he is still trying to figure out how to be gentle.

I've spent a lot of time since I found out you were coming to our family trying to figure out why Heavenly Father wanted you to come to us when he did.  You weren't exactly planned little girl.  Please don't misunderstand we are so happy you are coming and can't wait to meet you, we were just really surprised.  We had planned on getting a little more settled, on getting me a little healthier, and letting your daddy get school figured out.  But you and Heavenly Father had other plans.  Sometimes I think babies just come when they come, but from the moment the stick turned blue and I knew you were on the way I have felt like you are coming now for a reason.  That for some reason me being pregnant with you now and you being born in the spring of 2014 is important.

Rachel I am so excited to spend the rest of your life figuring out why you came when you did (ask your Aunt Becca sometime how much we love people who join our family unexpectedly).  I'm sure that there will be so many reasons that I can't even comprehend right now, but I want to share two that I've come up with.  One I am sure of and one might just crazy Mommy thoughts but I want to share them with you.  I want you to know that from the first moments you have been important to our family and shaped our lives.

1.  Being pregnant with you has helped me love Maine.  I know sounds crazy but there are things about Maine I love that I would not have known if I hadn't been pregnant.  Mommy tries really hard to be happy wherever she goes but she really missed her old friends and family when we came here.  She also really missed the food from out in Utah and California (someday when you are older I'll take you to El Nuevo and J-Dawgs... you will understand).  But you sweet girl helped me make friends here, you helped me by not craving foods that super hard to get all the time, and you helped me by showing me just how kind the people out here are.  I think our Heavenly Father knew I would need that extra boost of good attitude to get through our first 6 months.

2.  This is the one that might just be crazy, but the more I ponder it the more I pray about what Heavenly Father has in store for you and how I can help the more these thoughts come to mind, but only time will tell.  I think you are coming down to this earth with your best friend.  I think you and your cousin Evalyn are partners in crime and didn't want to come to this life with out each other.  I also wonder if Uncle Mark and Aunt Ariel's baby girl is part of the trio, but only time will tell.  I don't think it's coincidence or chance that you and Evalyn will be born at the same time, potentially the same day.  We will see how the years play out but I will not be surprised if you two have a very special bond, even across country.  I can't wait to watch you two together, and I hope that we can end up living close enough to each other that you get to play all the time (but you'll have to talk to your Daddy about that, we get to go where he gets a job).

Little Girl more than anything else I want you to know how important you are.  To our family and to your Heavenly Father.  Keep growing and kicking (especially when your daddy is talking to you, he's a little offended that the Dr has felt you kick and he hasn't... just a thought).

Love Mommy.

Talk on Elder Holland's October 2013 conference talk "Like a Broken Vessel"

Here is the link to the original talk mine is based off of.  If you don't have time to read both read Elder Holland's, it is incredible.  

I have been asked to speak on Elder Holland’s October conference talk “Like a Broken Vessel.”  For me this talk was the highlight of conference, in his remarks on depression and mental illness Elder Holland gave comfort, guidance, and support to all those who struggle with these emotional trials and those who care for them.   As he stated so perfectly “… these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor.”

Brothers and sisters depression (and other mental illness) are not signs of weakness, sin, or lack of spiritual worth.  They are part of the imperfect world that we choose to come to.  These difficulties are some of the trials that are part of Heavenly Father’s plan to test and refine us in this mortal world so that we can grow and return to Him.  I testify that the pain we feel while struggling with depression was felt by our Savior as he took upon himself not only the sins, but also the pain of the world.  As Elder Holland said “Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came. It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive.” 

Depression is more than just a bad hair day or a hard day at the office.  Part of life is being upset and disappointed in things that have not gone the way we want them to and there are times when we will all feel deep sorrow, in the Book of Mormon, Nephi was deeply hurt by the poor choices of his brothers and the difficulties that followed.   Depression is even deeper than that, Nephi was able to continue through his pain (and yes heart ache) to guide his family through the wilderness and build a ship, however for those struggling with depression the feelings of sadness, emptiness, and despair can be so deep and debilitating that they are unable to function as they normal would if they were well.  As Elder Holland said depression can be “a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!”

I have seen other young mothers fight post-partum depression, or baby blues.  I have seen new brides struggle with depression as a side effect of medication.  I have seen teenagers struggle with it as they face the trials of adolescence and self-discovery.  I have seen Missionaries struggle with it, to the point sometimes they have to return home, and may I say that returning home early because of depression is just as valid as returning home because of a physical injury; it is not our place to judge anyone’s pain or ability to handle their depression.   I have seen young Fathers struggle with it as the worked to finish school and support a young wife and family.  And there are times in my life when I have faced it myself.

One of my favorite Bible stories is that of Ruth.  Ruth is one of the most famous women of the Old Testament because of her loyalty and her part in a beautiful love story.  Part of that story that often gets glossed over is the struggles my favorite character, Naomi.   To quickly recap, Naomi, her husband, and two sons leave Israel because of a famine and go to the neighboring country of Moab.  While they are living there her sons married two of the local girls, Ruth and Orpah.  Time passes and eventually Naomi’s husband and then here two sons die.  Hearing that the famine in Israel had ended Naomi decided that it was time to return to her homeland.  She tells her daughter-in-laws to return to their people and families.  Orpah obeys Naomi and returns to her people but Ruth in the now famous speech tells Naomi basically “I’m coming with you because I love you and you need me.”  Now what happens next is the part that so often we skip over.  Naomi and Ruth return to Israel, now things have been hard for Naomi but up to this point it seems she has held herself together she has finally returned to her home country and is accompanied by, it could be argued, the most incredible daughter-in-law of all time!  But at this moment she falls apart.  Ruth 1:19-21 “So they two went until they came to Bethlehem. And it came to pass, when they were come to Bethlehem, that all the city was moved about them, and they said, Is this Naomi?   And she said unto them, Call me not Naomi, call me Mara:” which means very sad “for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me.  I went out full, and the Lord hath brought me home again empty: why then call ye me Naomi, seeing the Lord hath testified against me, and the Almighty hath afflicted me?”  This is a woman who was strong in her faith and inspired love and devotion from those around her fell apart.  She seems to completely break down and begins to rely completely on Ruth to help her survive.  So what can we learn from Naomi?  Firstly as elder Holland said “we have all taken courage from those who, in the words of the Prophet Joseph, “search[ed] … and contemplate[d] the darkest abyss” 3 and persevered through it—not the least of whom were Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, and Elder George Albert Smith” Naomi is yet another hero we can add to that list of great people who have suffered, struggled with, and overcome depression.  Second, we can learn that when we are fighting depression we should reach out for help from those around us.  Naomi asked for help, she shared her pain with her family and friends and got the help she needed so that she could heal.  So often we are so ashamed of our own perceived weakness that we do everything we can to hide our struggles, inevitably making ourselves worse.  Though it does not explicitly say so we can interpret that Naomi shared her struggles with her visiting teachers, her priesthood leaders, and other trusted people she knew could help lift her up.  At this point in my talk I’m going to share my favorite quote from Elder Holland’s entire talk, I believe I stood up and said ‘amen’ right in the middle of the talk when Elder Holland said “If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe.” And here comes my favorite part, “If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation.”  Please reach out to those around you and if needed seek professional help, there is no shame in this. 

Though Naomi feels that the Lord has abandoned her, she does not abandon the Lord.  The worst thing we can do to ourselves when struggling with depression is distance ourselves from the Lord.  Continue to pray, study, and ask for blessing from the Lord.  Go to the temple when you are able, ask for blessings when you need them, and remember that as President Monson said  that God’s “love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”  Remember that when Joseph Smith cried out in the Liberty Jail D&C 121: 1 & 7 “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?”  that God responded “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.”  Joseph remained faithful and was blessed as he did so, things were not always perfect the hard times and despair still come, but as we rely on the Lord He will not leave us forsaken, no matter how much it may feel like we are.

Now I’ve spent most of my time talking to the Naomi’s among, those who struggle with depression ourselves.  But what about the Ruths?  Ruth is the most amazing example of a caregiver.  Upon returning to Israel Ruth goes out into the fields to pick up the stalks of wheat that the harvesters leave behind.  It is here that she meets Boaz, who is so impressed with her beauty and story that he tells his workers to make sure they drop extra grain when Ruth is behind them.  Ruth comes home with so much food that Naomi asks her how she managed it.  Upon learning that Boaz had helped Ruth, Naomi tells Ruth that he is a cousin of her husband and to stay near him the rest of the harvest.  Things continue this way throughout the harvest until all the wheat has been gathered in.  On the last night the workers have a part and Naomi dresses Ruth up and sends her off to the party to tell Boaz that he is a kinsmen of her 1^st husband and that according to the law he must marry her.  Then follows a tangled web of who is really the nearest kinsmen and Boaz works some Jane Austen style magic it to make sure he gets to marry Ruth instead of anyone else.  Happy endings all around.  Now what does this teach us about being a caregiver to those with depression.  Notice Ruth never once berates, minimizes, or condemns Naomi’s pain.  Throughout the entire experience she shows love and kindness to the woman she cares so much about.  We cannot quantify or calculate another person’s pain.  It’s like the pain number chart they use at the ER.  An injury that I would rank a 5 someone else might rate an 8, it is not my place to tell a person that they are wrong about their level of pain; we must always show love and kindness to those we are helping.  Next Ruth does not push Naomi to run faster than she is able.  As Elder Holland said “In preventing illness whenever possible,” and healing from it “watch for the stress indicators in yourself and in others you may be able to help. As with your automobile, be alert to rising temperatures, excessive speed, or a tank low on fuel. When you face “depletion depression,” make the requisite adjustments. Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill. Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly will take time later on to be ill.” Ruth does not pull Naomi out into the fields with her or say, “woman why don’t YOU get married again? Stop relying on me so much.” She recognizes that at this point this would be too much and lets Naomi slow down and heal.  She also does an amazing job at continuing to include Naomi in what is going on in their lives.  At every turn Ruth asks Naomi how she should handle situations that present themselves.  Now I’m just reading in between the lines but I would guess Ruth was a pretty smart woman, she knew Boaz liked her, she knew that the law indicated he was required to care for her, and I’m sure she knew how to put on a pretty dress and flirt a little.  But I’m guessing she knew her mother-in-law, and I’m guessing Naomi liked to match make and do make overs.  So instead of leaving Naomi out of all the romancy, flirty goodness she asks for her help and enlists her help in getting the guy.  Now every person and situation is different but trying to keep our loved ones who are suffering involved with our day to day lives and peek their interests is a wonderful way to gently help keep them away from the terrifying world of self-isolation.  Finally Ruth also makes sure she is taking care of herself.  She does not wrap herself so much in Naomi’s pain that she makes herself ill, no she goes out and gets herself the guy.  To quote Elder Holland “For caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not destroy your own. In all these things be wise. Do not run faster than you have strength.  Whatever else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer your prayers and you can give “love unfeigned.”  “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; … [it] beareth all things, … hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.”

“If you are the one afflicted or a caregiver to such, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait.  Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.”  In all things remember to continue to believe in miracles.  Hope is the greatest weapon we each have as we battle to defeat depression in ourselves and others. 

Another Old Testament figure who struggled with depression is Elijah.  After working mighty miracles and seeing the power of God over and over with little success convincing the people to repent Elijah hits rock bottom 1 Kings 19:4 “But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.”  At this point God commands him to go up to the mount (the temple).  What follows is one of the most beautiful visions of God’s love and power found in scripture, and when Elijah comes down from the mountain after the vision he meets the Elisha, the man who will become his friend, son, and successor.   Elder Holland “do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind.”  For all we know the next moment could be our “God was a still small voice” moment or we could come down from the mount to meet our “Elisha”.  I know that I was coming out of one of my darkest moments when the Lord send David into my life, if we are patient and faithful the Lord will send miracles and angels to us in our darkest moments.

During those times I struggle with my own bouts of depression my favorite hymn is “Where can I turn for Peace”.   During the darkest moments when I have when it seemed as if there was no escape the second verse of this hymn is my literal life line “Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only One.”  This verse reminds me that my Savior felt my pain, and because of this He does understand, I can cry to him and he can wrap his arms around me and say “I know how much this hurts, I have felt this, and together we can make it through.”  May we all remember this as we face depression in ourselves and others and remember to rely on our Savior.  

“For Peace at Home”

I was asked to speak on Elder Richard G. Scott’s talk from this last conference “For Peace at Home”.  Each and every one of us desires a refuge a place where we can feel safe and find peace.  Elder Scott’s talk is about the way in which we can make sure that our refuge is within the walls of our own home.

The Webster’s dictionary says that refuge is “a shelter or protection from danger or distress, something to which one has recourse in difficulty”.  Each of Heavenly Father’s children long for a safe haven, they each long for a place where they can find peace.  Through the teachings of scriptures and modern day prophets we as Latter-day Saints know that the best place to create a refuge is at home.  If we can create a refuge from the outside world within our homes they will be places of peace where our families and friends will want to gather and can feel the spirit.

So how can we make our home a refuge in which peace can found?  The easiest way to ensure peace in our homes is by ensuring that Christ is at the center of our lives, there is a reason Isaiah called Christ the Prince of Peace. If we center our homes on Christ he will help us have peace with in our homes.  There are basic things that we are already doing that can help us center our homes on Christ.  As Elder Scott said “I’m sure you can identify the fundamental principles that center your home on the Savior. The prophetic counsel to have daily personal and family prayer, daily personal and family scripture study, and weekly family home evening are the essential, weight-bearing beams in the construction of a Christ-centered home. Without these regular practices it will be difficult to find the desired and much-needed peace and refuge from the world.”  We all know that by having family prayer, scripture study, and Family Home Evening we put Christ at the center of our homes.    D&C 10:5 says “Pray always, that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his works.”  When we pray in our homes we ensure that Satan is not welcome there, helping to make our homes a refuge from the power of temptation where we can feel at peace.  If prayer helps to create a barrier to Satan around our homes scripture study helps to prepare each of us and those within in our homes for when we leave the home and go out into the world again.  Elder Scott said “If you young people would review a verse of scripture as often as some of you send text messages, you could soon have hundreds of passages of scripture memorized. Those passages would prove to be a powerful source of inspiration and guidance by the Holy Ghost in times of need.” 

I was lucky enough to grow up in a home where family prayer and scripture study were a regular occurrence and I am grateful for the peace I always felt during those times.  However the times I felt the safest in my childhood home have to do with Family Home Evening.  In my house it didn’t matter how busy we were we never missed a Monday night, for us FHE centered on the Hokey-Pokey.  It wasn’t an FHE without it and even if that was all we had time for if we had done the Hokey-Pokey we had done FHE.  All goofiness aside spending that time (as well as family dinners and other activities) together helped my family grow together in love.  Plus it’s a lot harder to be mad at your brother when you’ve been putting “your right arm in” together every week for your entire lives.  As FHE helps us learn the gospel together and have fun with each other contention with in the home is reduced and the home becomes a refuge.

We know that prayer, scripture study, and FHE can help make our home a refuge but what are other ways?  One of the best things we can do to help center our homes on Christ is to be careful in our use of technology.  Technology can be a great asset to the peace in our homes.  From uplifting music to scriptures on our smart phones we can make righteous choices that enhance the spirit of our home.  However, if we choose to abuse technology by choosing to over use it or using it for unrighteous pursuits we can compromise the spirit in our home which makes it no longer a refuge of peace. 

Another thing we can do is to literally put Christ at the center of our home.  I will never forget my first day of college.  One of my roommates, Bonnie, was from the other side of the country and had come to school with two suitcases and minimal funds.  Each and every object that went into her bag had been carefully chosen.  As the rest of us put posters of movie stars, strings of lights, and photos of friends about our desks Bonnie pulled out 3 things to decorate her space.  They were a family picture, a picture of Christ, and a photo of the Atlanta temple.  She centered her new home on Christ by making sure that the things she put around her home reminded her of the Savior.  I learned a lot of things from her in the years that followed but I have cherished that first lesson about choosing to surround myself with images that help maintain the spirit I would have in my home. 

That story about Bonnie leads well into my next thought.  We do not have to live in a, for lack of a better word, “traditional family” to make our homes a refuge.  Whether we are single with roommates, married without kids, single with kids, or in the traditional family situation we can implement Elder Scott’s principles.  I think one of the best examples of this is the 2,000 stripling warriors.  These 2,000 young men went to war and had the faith to fight because they had been taught by their mothers.  I would imagine that with mothers that amazing their homes were probably a refuge of peace.  While some of these young men came from a two parent home many had lost their fathers when the Lamanites had attacked years before.  These women did not allow the fact that they weren’t in the ideal situation deter them from making sure their home was centered on Christ.  They created a refuge where they could teach their children the gospel and build the sort of faith that later would keep them safe in battle.   There are always ways that we can ensure that our homes (whether they be a home, a basement apartment, or a dorm room) are refuges of peace centered on Christ.

As we work to make our homes a place of peace and refuge we will find that we not only help our own family members but will help those who enter into our homes as well. As Elder Scott said “As you center your home on the Savior, it will naturally become a refuge not only to your own family but also to friends who live in more difficult circumstances. They will be drawn to the serenity they feel there. Welcome such friends into your home. They will blossom in that Christ-centered environment. Become friends with your children’s friends. Be a worthy example to them.”   When I was in high school my mother taught seminary and my home was across the street from the high school.  Between those two things my home ended up being the main hang out for my friends.  My parents always kept the spirit in our home and helped others to feel it.  Everyone knew that at the Keele’s house dinner began with a prayer and if you were there at 8pm you were going to have to read scriptures.  I still remember the night there were more non-Keele’s than Keele’s in the living room for scripture study.  My mother especially was amazing at helping my friends feel that our home was a refuge.  They all knew that if they needed a ride home from a party or a place to crash all they needed to do was call Sister Keele and she would pick them up know questions and let them sleep on our couch.  Some of them joined the church, some didn’t.  But many of them still go to my parent’s home when they are in trouble knowing that they can find peace and a safe place.  As we work to center our homes on Christ we will find that others outside our family will be drawn to our homes.  Elder Scott shared a story about such a home and family “Years ago, following a mission tour, my wife, Jeanene, told me about an elder she had met. Jeanene had asked him about his family. She was surprised as he responded that he had no family. He further explained that at his birth, his mother had given him to the government to raise. He spent his childhood going from one foster home to another. He was blessed as a teenager to find the gospel. A loving ward family had helped him to have the opportunity to serve a mission.

Later Jeanene asked the mission president’s wife about this fine elder. She learned that a few months earlier this elder had been in the mission home for a few days due to an illness. During that time he had joined them for a family home evening. Before he left to go back into the field, he asked the mission president if he could spend two or three days at the end of his mission in the mission home again. He wanted to observe how a Christ-centered family functions. He wanted to be able to pattern his family after theirs.”

I am the first to admit that these things sound easier than they are.  Even when we are doing everything we can to obey the commandments and center our homes on Christ the stress of the outside world can sneak in.  This week for example has been stressful in our home as we get used to David being in school again instead of home with us all day.  D.J. has been extra clinging and Mommy has been less than patient with him.  I allowed the stress of the outside world to remove the peace from my home so that it was no longer a refuge.   When these things happen we need to step back and try to re-center our personal lives and then our homes on Christ.  As it says in 3^rd Nephi 11:29, “For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirits of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. “  At those times when we allow contention and anger to creep into our homes we should step away, and go back to the basics, prayer and scripture reading.  Elder Scott said, “Recognize the good in others, not their stains. At times a stain needs appropriate attention to be cleansed, but always build on his or her virtues”

Elder Scott ended his talk with words of encouragement, “We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do all of the things that the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time.”

Priorities Talk

Imagine this scene: A family is all at home for the evening.  Mom is cooking dinner, bouncing the baby, listening to her book for group book, and surfing pinterest for ideas to use in her Relief Society lesson later that week.  Dad is unloading his brief case from work, turning on the TV, and sending emails to set up Home Teaching appointments that don’t conflict with Young men’s activities or the 11 year old’s basketball games.  Said 11 year old is avoiding his math homework and begging dad to come out for just one pick-up game before dinner?  Meanwhile the 8 year old is getting cleaned up from swimming and getting ready to start piano practice, all while evicting the 5 year old from her bedroom where he has been happily emptying her drawers and is now running around using big sisters best skirt as a super hero cape.  Can you picture it?  I imagine for some this sounds a lot like a normal Thursday night. 

This is the world we live in.  Each and every one of us is expected to go faster, harder, and do more than ever before.  And to top it off, with cell phones and email we are almost always accessible to the outside world.  I am not saying that the above mentioned scene is a bad thing; in fact I think it is good to be involved and keep ourselves busy, some of my greatest memories of high school are those days when I was bouncing between choir, band, and tennis all at the same time, but sometimes we allow ourselves to get too busy. At times like this when things get so busy what is our first reaction?  I have been asked to speak about priorities, using President Uchtdorf’s talk “Of Things That Matter Most”, I am also drawing from his talk “Forget Me Not” and Elder Oaks’ talk “Good, Better, Best”.  If you have not read these talks I would encourage you to do so. 

President Uchtdorf begins his talk by sharing a fascinating fact about trees.  “It’s remarkable how much we can learn about life by studying nature.  For example, scientists can look at the rings of trees and can make educated guesses about climate and growing conditions hundreds and even thousands of years ago.  One of the things we learn from studying the growth of trees is that during seasons when conditions are ideal, trees grow at a normal rate.  However, during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival.”  We can learn from the trees that when things get difficult, and times get hard perhaps it is time to scale back and focus on the essentials.  This is something I personally struggle with.

Last summer my husband and I were looking at our finances and realized that even though he was working hard for BYU we needed me to go back to work so that we would have enough money for upcoming grad school.  After lots of searching, applications, and prayers I took a grave yard shift at a McDonalds.  What followed was one of the most difficult periods of my life.  I was working long into the night and getting up early with DJ while David was off to school and work.  I was also serving in two church callings, heading up the community playgroup, and participating in a book group.  Things just kept stacking higher and higher, literally and figuratively (you should have seen the dishes in my sink).  Instead of scaling back to the most important things I continued with my busy schedule and even picked up new assignments as if nothing had changed.  I was drowning and pouring more water on top of myself with one hand as I tried to save myself with the other.  How often do we do this to ourselves?  “When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be.”  Finally, with the help of a wonderful husband, diligent visiting teachers, and a wise bishop’s council I realized that I was letting the most important things fall to the way side.  I dropped those things I could; scaled back on the things I couldn’t and made sure to put my family and the Lord first.  A short while later I was blessed enough to get another job that allowed me to sleep again, but I will always remember the lessons I learned during that time in our life.  As it says in Mosiah 4:27 “And see that all these things are done in wisdom and in order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order,” maybe we should read this scripture every time we add something to the calendar. 

So what are the basics?  What things just simply CAN NOT be put to the side?  According to President Uchtdorf there are four relationships that we must make sure are healthy at all times.  These are our relationships “with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves.” 

When talking about priorities and our relationship with God I always think of the story of Mary and Martha.  “While she [Martha] was ‘cumbered about much serving’, her sister Mary, ‘sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word’.  When Martha complained that her sister had left her to serve alone, Jesus commended Martha for what she was doing but taught her that ‘one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”  Now, I have always felt bad for Martha.  I mean here is Jesus and the 12 in her home, her Savior and his closest friends.  All she wants to do is serve a nice meal, get the house clean, and change the sheets so that everyone has a clean place to sleep.  I can imagine if Christ showed up at my home with the quorum of the 12 I would be busy cooking the best meal I could and digging out the best china for them to eat on.  And if Becca was just sitting there chatting with them I would get really irritated.  Now though we will probably never play physical host to Christ and the apostles, how often does something like this happen in our lives?  How often do we skip scripture reading to get the vacuuming done, cook an elaborate dinner, or make an extra cute Fourth of July wreath for when the Mother-in-Law comes?  How often do we put the things that keep us so blissfully and impressively busy before our relationship with our Father in Heaven.  As we look at our lives we must make sure that this most important relationship does not get pushed to the wayside.  Scriptures, prayer, and Sunday worship must always be at the top of our to-do list, if we regularly cannot fit these things into our day we need to reevaluate our lives and scale down so that we can fit them in.

The second relationship President Uchtdorf talks about is with our families.  He reminds us that “love is really spelled t-i-m-e.”  So often I hear people talk about ‘quality time’ with family members and children.  I would agree with that, but remind each of us that with family quality time comes from quantity time.  Some of my dearest memories of my childhood come from simply family dinners (that may have turned into rag wars or water fights….).  While I loved and will always treasure the many fun planned activities and vacations we did growing up I don’t think they would have meant as much to me if we hadn’t spent so much time playing with and supporting each other on an everyday basis.  If we are so consistently busy that family dinner with everyone at the table is a rare occurrence, where having everyone at FHE is a miracle, and where siblings are never able to attend each other’s events then maybe we need to reevaluate our lives.  Making sure that we are not only family but also friends with each other should be more important than anything else, except our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  Let us make family dinner and FHE a priority.  Let us make attending a siblings sporting event or recital something our children just do.  Let us make sure that we and our children are not so busy that we become as strangers in our own families. 

In building relationships with our fellow men we must do it one person at a time, by serving and by giving of our time and talents.  I learned growing up in this ward how wonderful and uplifting serving others can be.  I am so grateful to have been taught by an immediate and a ward family that taught me to drop everything and go when someone else was in need.  Yet even as we serve we must remember to keep our priorities in order.  During the ‘McDonalds’ period of our lives I tried so hard to make sure that no one knew I was struggling that this relationship jumped to the top of the list.  I made what President Uchtdorf called unwise sacrifices.  When a sister in the ward had a new baby I made an elaborate and involved dinner for her family that required me to skip my usual nap, a wiser sacrifice would have been to make a more simple dinner which probably would have been just a appreciated without risking my own health.  As we work to maintain and cultivate our relationships with our fellow men we should keep in mind where we are at.  It is always appropriate and good to make dinner for another family, but sometimes it is good to make cordon blue with salad and accompanying homemade croutons.  And sometimes it’s okay to take a pot of spaghetti.  And sometimes it’s even okay to bring a Little Ceasar’s Pizza.  May we always work hard to serve and love our fellow men and keep our priorities in order remembering our own strengths and place in life.  Let us always remember the difference between a wise and a foolish sacrifice as we learn to keep our priorities in order. 

Fourth is our relationship with ourselves.  To quote President Uchtdorf “It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do.  Some people can’t get along with themselves.  They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves.  May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better.  Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally.  Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential.”  Let us learn to take time to ourselves, to be unplugged and unreachable except by our own soul.  I imagine that so often our inner self gets tired of trying to get our attention with all the noise that it must compete with.  Let’s remember to give it a break from shouting every once in a while and be where we can quietly listen. 

As we prayerfully consider our lives and schedules let us remember to keep our priorities in order.  Let us remember that sometimes it is more important to play with our toddler than do the dishes; more important to visit our neighbor than watch much enjoyed show; more important to take a long walk than listen to another podcast; and more important to read an extra chapter of scripture than be on time to a party. 

A letter to a past detractor. OR Why I'm grateful I didn't serve a mission.

Four years ago this week my husband and I got engaged.  I can't believe we have been together for so long.  As I look back on our time together and the events of that week part of the story keeps catching in my mind.  A few days after we had announced our engagement I received a Facebook message from a stranger that I will never forget.  I still don't know who really wrote the message (the account it came from was a fake one) or what their motivation was, but this message shocked and crushed me.  I'm including it here as it was sent to me, lack of capitol letters and all:

you may not know me, but i sure know you. well i don't personally know you but if i had a chance to meet you i would jump on it. i sit in the back of your history class staring down at your sweet spirit. i always pictured you as the strong type when it comes to your feelings about the church. your plans were to go on a mission to serve your Heavenly Father. and now i hear your getting married. if this man of yours is willing to wait for you i deeply congratulate you. if not, i am highly disappointed. to serve your Father in Heaven is the greatest honor in this life. it should be something you wish to do with your whole heart, not as a back up plan. putting your future husband before God is disgraceful. it's like me saying i want to go on a mission unless american eagle comes out with a new brand of cologne just for me, first. yes, temple marriages are important, but if you choose to not go on a mission, think of how many people won't get to have temple marriage because you did not teach them the gospel. if you have found the right person that truly loves you and wants to be with you for all eternity, they will wait for you. and they will understand the importance of serving your Heavenly Father. they will know what should come first in your life. because you don't want to go on a mission now you are stopping people (who knows how many) from hearing and receiving the gospel. it is true. women are encouraged to find a spouse and start a family, but if you have made up in your mind before hand you want to go on a mission, no one or no man should stop you. do you think God would be happy if you told him you were going to serve him and give your whole heart on your mission and then come back a few weeks later and say i'm sorry. i found a husband. that's more important. i think he would not look down with happiness. if i recall correctly you just met this guy a few weeks ago. it must be true that most people just come to utah to get married. i do not wish you happiness in your years to come. i hope you are filled with sorrow and regret that you gave up the chance of a lifetime to be with some guy. i also hope your children are a sore sight upon your eyes. and when you look at them you wish you would have waited to find someone that will love you forever. not just jumping on board the first guy who is tired of being single and wants to tie the knot. i'm glad i didn't ask you out because i now i know what your truly like. how do you have any friends? they are true angels sent from God-- Patrick Skully 

I responded to this at the time but I wish that I could again now all these years later.  So I'm going to do it here.  Maybe this person is someone I know well and they will see it.  And if not maybe it will help someone else dealing with similar pressure and reactions to his or her own choices.  So here it is. 


Patrick,
It's been four years since you sent me that letter about my engagement and a lot of things have happened.  I did indeed marry David in the Oakland Temple.  Nineteen months later we welcomed our sweet son D.J. into the world.  We've lived in 3 different cities and 4 different homes.  Between my husband and I we have had 6 different jobs.  Life has been beautiful, challenging, scary, wonderful, and blessed.   I have grown as a woman, a wife, a daughter, and as a mother.

 In some ways your got your wish.  I had a moment when President Monson announced the change in missionary age for women when I wish it had happened when I was 19, then there would have been nothing to stop me and I'd have been gone in a heart beat.  But then I looked down at the sweet 1 year old in my arms and knew I wouldn't change a thing. I'm so grateful for the 9 months I spent preparing for a mission.  I learned so much, about my self, about my faith, and about my Savior.  Had I not been preparing for a mission call I would not have been spiritually or emotionally ready to meet and marry the man who is now my husband, best friend, eternal companion, and father to my children.  Through those months of study I began my path to becoming a woman scriptorian, someone with can and will teach her children and others about their Savior. I still truly believe I made the right choice.  Was it the right choice for everyone?  Maybe not, but it was and is the right choice for me.

 With the age change for women I fear that more young women will get letters or comments like the one you sent me so long ago.  I hope not.  I hope that most people will realize that missions for young women are still one of many options, and that for some choosing to marry at 19 (or continue school, ext) is the right choice.

I hope that the years have been as happy for you as they have been for me.  I hope that any bitterness you carry about life is gone.  I hope that all the dreams for you life are happening.  And I hope that you finally asked a girl you liked out and married her instead of writing creepy/rude letters.

Leslie.