Last night a dear friend's mother passed away. Pamela was a powerhouse woman in every sense of the word. Kind, warm and welcoming, with a sense of humor that I wish I had been able to hear more of as an adult but still made me laugh as a child. She was the one who sat me down and taught me that sometimes the people we love need some space when they are upset, but that doesn't me they love us less. Her's was the only house I was allowed to sleep over at, and on those rare occasions she always made sure we had real pizza (from a main street pizza joint not a chain) for dinner and dough nuts for lunch. She introduced me to Little House on the Prairie and Roald Dahl. She explained to me what "waxing" was and taught me to burry puke at the beach in the sand. She literally was a woman who did it all! She supported her husband through two rounds of grad school, worked as a lawyer, and raised 3 beautiful girls. Though I havnt spent much time with her as an adult her loss is heartbreaking and I can't imagine what her family is going through.
When I got the news today, it hit me harder than I expected. Pamela's death was not unexpected, we knew it was coming but it floored me. I sobbed. Poor DJ was really disturbed by it actually and came to give me a hug. I called my parents to tell them the news and to say I love you. And I tried to get back to work. But I couldn't. I made dinner and again burst into tears. Went to the gym and started to cry on the elliptical.
I don't know if I've been callous or lucky in the past. I've experienced loss, a grandfather I loved fiercely, great grandparents to touched my life, classmates, and parents of classmates. I've watched people around me deal with having some difficult hands dealt them. But this loss, this just unfair crap hand dealt to a family and woman I love has hit me like a freight train.
I'm crushed and I'm angry. I'm terrified because for the first time I am facing my own parents mortality head on.
I don't know why I'm writing this, or if it has a point. I guess it's late and I'm crying again and I can't sleep till I get some of this out. Even though I believe that families are forever and that death is not the end I wish stuff like this didn't happen. Cause it is crap.
Laura, Matt, Sara, and Julia if you see this please know I love you and can't imagine what you are going through. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better even for a minute.
