Update a.k.a Frequently asked Questions and Where we go from here

It's been about three months since I opened up about my struggle with Postpartum Depression.  I have been so blessed by all the love and support that has been poured onto me and my family.  It's been amazing to hear the stories of other families who are going through similar experiences as we are.  There is something about knowing we are not alone that really had made this so much easier.  Now that some time has gone by I thought I would address some of the most common questions I've been asked since opening up, some of the less than helpful comments (and how to reword them so they are not), and some things I've learned/changed to make life easier.

FAQs:

-Did you have PPD with DJ?
        Nope, there is a history of depression in my family and with every thing that happened with DJs birth I was expecting to experience at least a case of baby blues but I never did.  Now when DJ was sick and I was alone in the hospital the night he was born I prayed "Heavenly Father, my baby is sick.  Please make him get better quickly.  But if You can't do that please help me to heal quickly so I can take care of him."  I recovered very quickly and now that I have experienced PPD with Rachel I am realizing even more how much that prayer was answered.  God truly does love his children.



-How did you know you had PPD?
       Honestly it took a long time to admit it, but coming inches away from killing myself was a real wake up call.  I knew I was sad, I knew my patience with my children was not what it should be, and I knew I wanted it to be, but admitting that  it was bad enough to actually be called a problem was not something I wanted to do.  Talking to my loved ones about what I was feeling really helped get me to where I could seek professional help.  Realizing that I couldn't remember the last time I had gone a whole day without bursting into tears was also a pretty big sign.

-Why did it take so long to catch?  Didn't your doctor ask you how you were feeling at your post-delivery check up?
       PPD doesn't have to just happen right after birth.  At my 6 weeks post delivery check up things were going really well.  My mom was still in town and taking care of everything,  David was just finishing up his rotation and going to be home the rest of the summer, and I hadn't even gone back to church yet.  Sure looking back I wasn't really as happy as I normally am, but I had just had a baby, of course I wasn't back to normal yet.  Real life had not hit.  I didn't start to fall apart till after everyone left and we had settled into our new life.  Part of was probably that I kept telling myself "Rachel is 3 (4, 5, ext) months old now.  I should have this figured out!  Why am I still struggling.  My doctor had me fill out the form and I filled it out honestly, I'm not saying I tried to cover stuff up, but I may have cut myself a little too much slack.  "You just had a baby, of course you cry a lot.  No need to worry the dr with it.  And feeling anxious, your just worried about when mom goes home, you'll be fine."  I'm not saying to panic if you are feeling this way after having a baby, chances are you will be okay.  I do wish that I had been honest with myself and kind to myself about how I was feeling.  I don't know if we would have caught it any sooner, but if we had it would have saved a lot of heartache.

-How did you go about getting help?
     I called my OBGYN.  I said "I want to see Dr. Manning as soon as possible."  When the nurse asked me what it was about I told her I thought I had PPD.  Next thing I knew I had a Nurse Practitioner calling me every 6 hours and an appointment scheduled within 48 hours (my office has a policy that any one who calls about PPD must come into the office within 48 hours for an appointment).  My main Dr was unavailable so I worked with the Dr who had assisted during my pregnancy and delivery.  Normally I prefer male Drs (that is a whole other post I'm not even going to touch here) but I think that having another woman, another mother, to talk to and work with has been really amazing.  I'm so grateful for a Dr's office that takes PPD so seriously!  I've since heard stories about women being told that their Dr's can't/wont help.  My advice, and I know it's hard, is to raise cane until they get you in.  And if once you are in they wont help you raise cane until they refer you to someone who can.  If you are looking for and OBGYN ask around and see what the policies are for dealing with PPD, it's not one of those things you want to have to worry about getting help with.

This is a woman with no idea the way she feels isn't normal and wont go away

- What sort of medication did they put you on? (Yes this question actually gets asked)
      Just a basic low dose anti-depressant.  There is no specially formulated med for PPD.  My dose is low, some may be high.  Remember this is a sickness.  If you had a heart attack  you would take your heart meds and cut down on the fried food.

- I think I have PPD but I'm afraid I will have to stop breastfeeding if I get put on meds, is this true?
     NO!  I was still breastfeeding when I started this journey and made sure the Dr. knew that.  There are meds that do not pass through the breast milk.  They can decrease your milk supply though so make sure you talk to your Dr. about ways to prevent that.

There is breastmilk but no anti-depressants in that bottle

-I think my wife is struggling, how do I help her?
     I feel like David should write this but that's not really his thing so I will do what I can.  First of all do everything you can not to be angry with her.  I know it can be frustrating for her to be sad no matter what you do to help and that nothing around the house ever seems to get done, but please do what you can not to be angry.  Support her when she decides to go to the Dr, support her even more when she comes home from the Dr. feeling broken because she is "broken", support her on the days the meds are not enough and once again your wife disappears into this puddle of mush wearing her clothes.  Do the dishes, play with the babies, tell her you love her.  Encourage her to get help and to talk to you about how she is feeling.  Make sure she knows just how much you need her, how much the kids need her, and how no one could do it better.  And if you have to call the Dr's and set up her appointment for her or threaten to call the cops if you are scared for her.  She may hate you for a while but you will all be grateful in the end.  Just remember she is sick, she is not fragile or less of herself.  She is sick.  Your powerful, talented, caring wife is still in there, she just needs to get better.
-I think my friend/family member is struggling, how do I help her?
    Be a person she can talk to.  Let her know you notice she is feeling down.  Offer to drive her to an appointment or watch her kids.  Text her and let her know you are thinking of her.  And again if you feel that she is a risk to herself or her children, tell her husband/significant other/mother of your concern.  Send her love.  Let her know she is amazing.  But don't be hurt if she just doesn't have the energy to go out and do everything like normal.  Maybe just invite her out to dinner, instead of your normal dinner, shopping spree, and movie.  When offering to help make sure you are specific.  I'm guilty of the ever well meaning but useless "Call me if you need anything" but really what you need to say is "I'm bringing dinner, what night works?"  You know your friendship so do what is appropriate there but don't let her isolate herself anymore than new mothers have to.

Corral the cats kids as best you can for her too.

- Besides medication what have you done to get better?
     Part of my treatment has been meeting with a therapist. It's been amazing and she has helped me learn a lot about myself and the way I process things.  I know that therapy is not always an option but do what you can to make it possible.  Having a stranger with no investment in your life to talk to makes it a lot easier to figure out what is really going on.  And sometimes they can point out things no one else is willing to say or that they take for granted as a part of you.  And you are able to say things that you couldn't say to someone you cared about because you don't want to hurt them or cause any drama.

- Did you learn anything you feel comfortable sharing from you therapist?
    I learned so many things about myself, but that's not really what this question is asking.  I think the biggest wake up call for me was in our first meeting when she had me list off all the major events in my life during the last 5 years.  Here it is:

• got engaged
• got married
• graduated college
• had a baby
• 2 major moves, one across country
• had another baby

Then my therapist shared something interesting.  She said that when she ranks life events according to the emotional stress (good or bad) getting married is put at the same level as having your house burn down.  Having a baby is the same as loosing a parent.  Not that having a baby or getting married are bad things, just that all the changes, excitement, and joy causes as much emotional nonsense to happen in your brain as bad things.  So sometimes having lots of good changes happen can cause as much mental and emotional stress as lots of bad things.  She said "honestly I don't know why you weren't in my office a year ago, the move should have made you snap."  Now I am not saying that having lots of changes like that happen is a bad thing.  Lots of people go through these events just as quickly all the time, I think the reason this mattered so much to me was that I was feeling guilty because in so many ways I am so blessed, I should be happy.  My brain had no reason to decide that life was hard.  Learning that I had actually put it through the joy-ringer helped make what was happening to me make sense.  

The other thing we talked about was simplifying life as much as possible to make getting better easier.  So many of us stretch ourselves thin taking care of children, husbands, employers, clients, and church responsibilities.  Sometimes we just need to step back and simplify so that we can get better.

- I don't think I can simplify my life, everything I do, I have to do.  How did you simplify?
   Trust me, I know.  That is exactly what I said when my therapist told me to simplify.  She had me divide my life into the main aspects.  Mine went into three.  Family, work, and church.  "But I can't get ride of any of those things" I said.  "Of course not, but where can you cut back.  Where can you cut corners?"  So we went through and thought about it.  Now this will be different for everyone but here are some of the things I have done,

• paper plates, plastic utensils, paper towels
• I know, I know, "Leslie what about the cost?" "Leslie what about the environment?"   Well right now I don't have a dishwasher, and right now that pile of dishes constantly in the sink and never ending felt like a sword through my heart.  Every time I felt like I was doing well, being a good mom, there was that pile of dishes destroying my soul and sucking out my joy.  So for the time being, we are on paper and plastic.  
• saying no to more hours/projects
• I know that for many this is difficult, extra hours means extra money.  But for me and my situation I needed to start saying no.  I was blessed to have the full support of my husband as I began turning down projects and offers for extra time here and there.  I still help cover for co-workers, and when there is a crisis I help out.  But if hours are just offered to me, I turn them down.  That was a hard thing for me to do because I want to be a good employee.  But I can't be a good employee if I'm not healthy, so right now I'm slowing down and getting better
• turning off the Martha Stewart track in my head
• Homemade gifts, fancy meals for others who are sick, elaborate hand outs for my Primary kids.  All of these things are on hold right now.  If I have a project that sounds like fun to me I do it.  But I now have permission to give a box of diapers instead of making a car-seat cover.  Or take KFC instead of making a 4 course fancy meal for a family that just had a baby.  Or just give my kids a hug at the end of sharing time instead of staying up all night trying to figure out how to print a quote on 25 post-its.  Again I felt guilty, these are all things that I like doing but that had begun to take an emotional toll because I felt like I had to do them.  Now I don't feel that way and I only do it if I feel up to it and can get enough sleep.

This I wanted to do... but I toned it down so it wouldn't make me too crazy

 What are some of the less than helpful things that have been said?

    I have been lucky.  No one has been unkind since I have opened up about this. However here are some things you might be tempted to say, and how to say the same thing better

•       Why did you let the Dr put you on meds?  All they do is medicate!  Now you will never be able to get off!
• Actually I don't have a nice way to rephrase this one.  I know it is said with love but it is not helpful.
• You should try Vitamin D, Orange Oil, and acupuncture.  I'm sure it's just a light deficiency or something.  
• A better way to go about this might be.  When I feel down during the winter I use vitamin D and orange oil, have you tried it? Chances are they have tried everything but if they haven't you are offering it to them in a way that does not dismiss their diagnosis, or make them feel pushed in any way.

So there it is.  The FAQs of my life with PPD.  If there is anything else you are curious about let me know and I will do my best to answer.  Thank you again for all your love and support as we navigate the new normal of our lives and as I work towards recovery.  

Confessions of an extreme Extrovert

It's been going on for a while but I keep seeing these posts on Facebook; "35 things only introverts understand", "how to love your introvert", "how introverted are you?".  Every time I see these I sigh and keep scrolling.  You see I'm an extreme extrovert!

No really.

If you know me you know it's true, if you don't trust those who do.  I'm as extroverted as you can get.

So here are some things I feel like people should know.  Not because "poor me I'm and extrovert and introvert is cool" (okay maybe a little bit because of that, I am an extrovert after all), but because I want all those who are introverts or more mild versions of extrovert to understand a few things.

1.  I spend the entire drive to a social event telling myself that this time will be different.  This time I will keep my mouth shut more than half of a conversation.  This time I will not be the loudest person in the room.  This time I wont be the last person to leave.  And without fail I spend the entire ride home cursing myself for failing entirely.  We do try to be socially acceptable, I promise.  Which leads into #2.

2.  I am fully aware of how obnoxious I am.  Trust me, I know why I wasn't well liked in high school.  I don't like it any more than you do.  I also spend most of my life trying to keep myself quiet enough to be socially acceptable, I fail most of the time, but I do try.

I knew there was a reason I liked these books

3.  I wish that I could enjoy sitting quietly with no one to talk to.  It is exhausting be need constant human contact.  Literally constant.  If I go more than 2 or 3 hours with out some sort of human contact I start to go crazy.  (even now I've only been up about 3 hours after my husband went to bed and I'm starting to look at my phone to try and figure out who might be up at this time of night for me to talk to.... sad right?)

It's 2 am EST... who is awake at 11 pm on the west coast?

4.  I really enjoy talking to random people at the check out lane.  I love it!  It makes me so happy.  Unfortunately most people find it obnoxious so I once again do everything I can to keep my mouth shut.  But goodness gracious, when you have two full carts full of beer it's really hard not to say something about wanting to come party at your house. ;)

In my head "Shut up Leslie!" out of my mouth "Wow, where did you get that shirt, I had a shirt that color in 6th grade but my brother spilled black ink on it.... " 

5. I say exactly what I think way to often because I care way too much about everything.  As an extrovert words matter to me.  I learn by speaking and hearing, but mostly speaking (actually when I'm alone I read out loud).  So when I hear something I disagree with I feel the need to respond to it.  But, because I learn so much from speaking a lot of times my ideas don't really form until they are coming out of my mouth.  (Yes I'm that annoying girl in class who restates half of what the teacher says... I'm really just trying to learn cause I don't really understand it until it comes out of my own mouth.)   This wonderful combination of loving to speak, needing to speak, and learning while I speak leads to perpetually trying to shove my foot in my mouth.  I don't mean to say hurtful things, and the minute I realize what I've said I feel terrible.  My grandpa used to say "If you have something mean to say keep your mouth shut and some other idiot will say it for you." Consider me your resident idiot.  If I have offended or hurt you I'm sorry.  I work on it every day of my life.

This Meme is me... and I'm trying really hard to be better.

6.  Closely associated with number 5, I am unable to process my life with out other people to talk it through.  Which means my life tends to be on constant display for everyone.  I share, and over share.  When things are hard or I am scared no matter how stoic I try to be eventually it spills out, usually on some poor co-worker or random Facebook friend.  I've gotten better (married life makes you if you actually care about your vows).  Once again I know.

So there you go.  Six things about being an extreme extrovert that you should know, but I guess they all boil down to one.  We are aware and we try.  So go out and hug your extrovert today :)